Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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