god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The Olympian is in my bed
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
