a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
