do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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