I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
