you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
