A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
