The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
