puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
