My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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