I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We're too hungover to prance.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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