I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize