You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
