Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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