True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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