in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Vodka?
Forever.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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