Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
