So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My life is pants optional.
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