fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
