Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
