Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
