90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
