I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
