Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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