Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
