I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
