well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
