Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Drunk is not a location!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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