I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
