I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
