if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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