I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
