True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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