also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
