Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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