she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
