I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
