I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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