You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
