new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My life is pants optional.
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