I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
