Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
