Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
