One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
