i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
