I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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