he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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