He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
