She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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