I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
