what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
